clique.

I've never been the type of girl to stick around with just ONE group of people. Since I've moved so much in my life already, I've learned to let go and make new friends. Even now, I can't stand always being with certain people all the time. (With the exception of a few.)

I'm honestly glad I'm not like that.

honestly.

I seriously wanna know how much I can keep hurting myself. It’s too the point where I’m like a frickin dog. Someone throws me a bone, and I go after it like nothing’s happened. I hold on to all this pain every time, and I swear, you don’t even notice. I have too much faith in people. I always think something will change. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll see all the bullshit I put myself through just for you. For you to be happy. I keep my mouth shut. My mind constantly screams at me while my heart continues to sink deeper and deeper. Each action causing more pain than before. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of hurting.

I feel so disgusting. I’ve turned info this monster that I never wanted to be. I’m becoming bitter and pessimistic. What have I been turning into..

I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could stop my mind from degrading myself. I wish I could stop putting the blame on me. I wish I could believe that I’m good enough.

stupid girl.

Not being the all around nice girl anymore. I'm tired of getting pushed around. Being me is what I want. No more trying to be people's friend. Love me or hate me, either way, it's gonna be me, forreal this time.

effffffff.

............................................................

come see me.

I'm alone in my dorm. My head is warm. Despicable Me comes out in 5 days!

hard to believe.

I know I've been basically writing about the same things over and over again, but


You know what? Forget it, haha. I shouldn't even be writing about it at all ^.^

sigh.

The pain in my heart grows smaller and smaller. I realize the problem was never you, it's been me all along.

happiness.

I have no idea what happens to me during the holidays. Between yesterday and today, I've made some changes. I made a great choice today, and I'm really glad I decided to. Sigh, no more bitterness in my life. I confronted them and solved it. Happiness.

joy.

Something that once caused me great distress is dissolving slowly into nothing. I'm so proud of myself right now.

KJF;SLDKJFS.

Okay, maybe I am overreacting a bit, but seriously? C'mon dude. I already told you that I was super worried about you cause you were out and weren't replying to me for almost 2 hours. And then you call me to tell me you're on your way back home. Then you don't let me know when you get home? So much shit running though my head right now. It's been more than two hours this time, and you can't even fucking text me that you're home safe? UGH, and I find out on FACEBOOK that you're just CHILLIN' watching the FUCKING VICTORIA SECRET FASHION SHOW!?

FUCK YOU TOO.

me gusta zee boyz' hatz

screwed.

• My throat is killing me. Tea tea tea tea tea.
• 10 page research paper by tonight? Oh yah, let's go.
• Seminar "Hot Seat" questions due Tuesday.
  
• Getting sick, hmph.
• I. Am. Worried.
• Must stay warm this week. Low 50s! -_-
• Finals are in two weeks.
• ^ I have not prepared yet.
• MY HISTORY GRADE DEPENDS ON MY PAPER. WAAAAAH!
  

eating me up on the inside

This time, I'm trying to be strong for myself. Not say a word to anyone and try to get over this alone. It's hurting me when I shouldn't even care. I don't understand why. I know there's an underlying problem here, and I need to figure it out. Otherwise, it's gonna always be here to turn me into a hideous monster when those moments come. Be strong, Mia. You know the truth. Don't let your insecurity ruin what you have been constantly telling yourself.

For once, I wish I could love myself.

Lorisa!

I seriously love it when I hang out with Lorisa. Although we may not constantly talk, I know she's someone I can always depend on. She's always there for me. And she helps me when I'm in a pickle (LOL!). But really though, every time I'm with her, I realize something new. Tonight, I'm gonna try my hardest to no longer talk smack about people. I'm gonna stay positive and bot get easily angered with stupid little things that don't really matter. I'm gonna stop hurting myself by seeing all the negatives. I'm going to trust myself and my emotions to take me to where I want to. I'm finally going to try my best to love myself as I am.

lawl

I think having a younger siblings gives SOME people the excuse to be a camera whore. THE END!

trying to keep it together, but i'm falling apart

thoughts.

• 10 PAGE HISTORY RESEARCH PAPER.
• VIRGINIA WOOLF PRESENTATION.
• 6 PAGE ENGLISH RESEARCH PAPER.
  
• You needa get out of my lifeeee! But you're like a fuckin' leech.
• He's minemineminemine. No one's taking him away from me.
• No Zion I or NCAA for me today ):
• I'm happy you're coming Friday.
• Best friend, I miss you.
• So tempted to add you on live, but no.
• Once November 23 hits, I'll finally be myself again (hopefully).
  

morning thought.

"SINGLE is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others."

In my opinion, this quote is totally false. I mean, think about it. A friendship is a type of relationship. When you're weak, you turn to your friends for comfort. And honestly we do depend on our friends. We depend on them to be there for us, to listen to us, and to simply have fun WITH us. Don't say single isn't a status just because you think it's not. Think about it more, and you'll see that you contradict yourself.

thought.

So, I noticed that a lot of people have those statuses where it says something like, "Like this status and I'll tell you..". I'm guilty of always "liking" it too. But the first thing I thought of was, "Wow. A lot of people like to hear nice things about themselves". But then, I thought about it some more. It's not that they're self-centered or anything. In all honesty, it's caused by insecurity. Insecurity of not being what society says you should be. The mere fear of not living up to an expectation. Not everyone can be 100% confident in themselves 100% of the time. We have our moments of weakness. And some more than others. Also, another reason could be the need for reassurance. If someone is constantly surrounded by negatives, it's inevitable that gradually that person will become negative as well. People love positives because it's attracting. It's comforting. It's reassuring. Reassuring that even through all the bullshit, mistakes, and regrets, somewhere along the line, people are able to see the good in you, whether or not you can see it within yourself.

it sucks.

It sucks when the guy you've completely fallen for doesn't think you have. It sucks when the guy's best friend is capable of ruining a relationship. It sucks when you have no power and must give in simply because you don't want to fight anymore. It sucks having things turned on you. It sucks not having trust. It sucks that making mistakes will stay with you forever. It sucks to be judged. It sucks to not be heard out. It sucks to try so hard at something, only to set yourself up for failure. It sucks to know so much, but know so little at the same time. But in complete honesty, it sucks to not be able to overcome all of this and simply have positive mentality when everything else is against you, including yourself.

one day...

wussup?

thoughts.

- I miss having a best friend other than my boyfriend.
- I feel like all I have to talk about lately is gossip about "bitches".
- maybe, my life revolves around drama...
- I miss my friends.
- I need to be friendlier.
- Must. Try. Harder.

oh hai there.

random.

I wish I had fuller eyebrows rather than these retarded ones on my face.
I wish I didn't have eye bags.
I wish I didn't have a huge forehead so I could clip my bangs back without feeling like an alien from outer space.
I wish I was shorter so I could wear heels and not look outrageously tall.

But most of all, I wish I was happy with how I look.

reminder.

    Boy: I broke up with her.

    His Best Friend: What happened?

    Boy: She’s just too much for me.

    His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

    Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

    His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

    Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!

    His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

    Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

    His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

    Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.

    His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

    Boy: Well, she..

    His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

    Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

    His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

    ___________________________________________________

    Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just wants the best for you. Because to her YOU’RE the best. If you don’t like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don’t just give up. Don’t just leave because you want the easy way out. Ya’ Dig?

siiiiigh..

Holding back a thousand tears that are just ready to fall from my eyes. The only thing stopping me? I know my own self-worth. I know I shouldn't be crying over something like this. I remember when I used to be the type of girl that didn't give a fuck. But now, look what you've done to me. You've broken me down subconsciously. I can't even make any close guy friends because it doesn't FEEL right to. I don't understand how you can do this so easily to me. Letting me hurt like this.. It sucks cause I can't even tell you how much my heart is hurting right now because you'll see it as me not believing that you care about me. I don't know what's happened to me, but you were able to turn me into such a vulnerable girl who now wears her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see.

border line.

You're in a relationship with me. Please be considerate and try to understand exactly how I may be feeling about a situation. There are certain border lines that aren't meant to be crossed. And no, I'm not even asking you to never be friends with her. I have no control over something like that. But please, at least understand that it doesn't look right. Ask any girl, she'll say that you two are flirting. All I'm asking for is to tone it down.. I'm tired of hurting.

contemplation.

Getting rid of my nose piercing, and getting a cartilage and naval piercing instead.

minus.

You're never sweet to me anymore. Falling out. Be careful.

hmph.

I hate how I'm the one who gets hurt, but you're the one who gets to act upset. Be considerate of my feelings and appreciate that I let go of the negative emotions just so our relationship can be okay. Think about the bigger picture. Not just about yourself.

insecurity.

I hate how you can't tell how much it really hurts me on the inside. To know that you have a celebrity that you have a crush on because of her looks and body. At least try to convince me that no matter what, I'm your number 1. I never feel like your number 1. Ever. It'll never be me. Maybe that's why I think about leaving. Because when you're my number 1, I'm like your number 5. Or some shit like that. No, I'm not talking about spoiling me with gifts or taking me out to nice restaurants. Simple things is all I want. Surprise me with little notes (instead of leaving me post-its on my laptop calling me gay). Surprise me after class just to say hello (instead of me waiting for you). Call me because you miss my voice (instead of Facetiming me to show me your new Arianny Celeste calender you ordered online). I don't know. Some stupid cliche typical love story. I'm not asking for much..

interesting.

Sometimes, I don't understand how some of the people I consider "nice" are really close friends with people I consider "bitches". I know that perhaps there are some things they may have in common, but I wonder how "bitches" seem to have a lot of friends? It's a thought that always gets to me at times. However, I can't be one to judge. It's not my friendship, so maybe that's why. Also, I think a lot of people make judgments on me based on whatever. For example, the fact that I'm in a relationship with Mark gets noticeable stares and whispered words. I've come to the conclusion that there will always be people talking. No matter what. You know, I think I need to start over with people. Just everyone in general. I feel like I've put myself into these type of situations. Instead of trying to decipher, or even judge, who someone is, I need to actually get to know these people on a more personal level. But then again, I shouldn't even care about whether or not I'm on "good terms" with certain people. Ugh, this is where everything is under the category of "gray area". To be completely honest, it's so conflicting. I'm on a search to figure myself out.

Sorry if these thoughts are all jumbled up. I can't think straight.

hey bitch.

Does it look like anyone cares? No, no one really gives a fucking shit.

MP ♥

Earlier today..
m: Marcel.
M: Yes
m: Please take care of yourself, okay?
M: I will. :)
m: Promse?
M: Promise.

Then a few minutes ago..
m: Doesn't this look like Moss Beach!?
M: Yes! Is that from your book you're reading for school?
m: Tumblr haha!
M: Yes! Aha
m: Haha it's so scary how similar it is
M: It is. Its trying to tell you something
m: Like what?
M: Like you're supposed to be somewhere with people you love and where they love you in return... Like our house.
m: Awww, you miss me (:
M: I do. I was hella waiting for you to come back that one day.
m: I'm sorry! I couldn't ): I owe you though when I come back to visit. Promise.
M: Alright! :)

I swear, I never knew I made such an impact on this kid.. Forreal though, definitely looking out for him and checking in on him more often ♥

you're stupid.

I seriously hate your guts right now. To be completely honest, you put up marijuana facts because you know I hate it so much. You're gonna try to defend yourself by stating the health benefits to it. Do you have any of those symptoms? (Except having a menstrual period, that is. But even that's fishy for you because you don't use protection or are on the pill, bitch.) And in my point of view, the "benefits" of marijuana just make you forget about the pain you're in because you're in another state of mind. If you think that your "facts" are a great defense against my point of view, hunny, you got another thing coming for you.

same shit, different day.

You're losing me. I swear, today I kept getting so irritated with you. I let it slip cause I figured you were just grumpy cause you were hungry or whatever. But I'm telling you that's bullshit now. Gaaahd, may as well fucking be with her already.

GUARD UP WITH NO TRUST.

hm.

I kinda miss my gauges.

lalala

So, here I am, killing time on my laptop while waiting for another two hours for Mark and Jervie to pick me up. Driving back is gonna be a bitch since I said I'd drive. Hopefully one of them decides to stay up with me. Anyway, random thoughts!

• Biked to the library today for the first time! Haha, it was fun. I'll be biking more often, I think. I just hate how clumps of people block the way -_-
• Got some research done for the Confucius project, WIN!
• The one time I actually bike, Mark decides to walk to class..
  
• Outro to The Habit (possibly better burgers than In-N-Out) for lunch with babeh!
• Dropped me off at the front of the school and we said our goodbyes.
• I hate the people in my stat class. The two girls next to me think they're the shit and ignore me when I ask questions. Props to me for being (I think) the only freshman in my stat class though, holla!
• Decided NOT to go to that stupid lame honors meeting. Did 80% of my stat homework instead to find out that the due date got extended to the 23rd, oh wellz.
• 5:30 P.M., went to the DC with Pam and ate food that wasn't all too great today, hmph. Found out she knows a lot of the same people I do from Milpitas, LAWLZ!
• Steven sat with us and we ended up talking until we were the last three people in the DC. Those two are hella chill though, on the reaaaal.
• Checked my mail and my iPhone case came in ♥
• Went to the market with Erica to buy milk, oj, and a cup of noodles for her since she's getting sick, boo ): BUT! I did get my free tote bag, YUHHHS!
• Found out that I'm going back home to the Bay tonight, but I'm sleeping over at Mark's. Momma thinks I'm not coming home. Can't wait to surprise her ♥
• There's a new iron chef!
• ABitch was at Newark Days. Lawl, you stupidass bitch.
• I'm hungry right now ): The market is closed.. To eat cereal or to not eat cereal...? Not eat cereal.
• I only killed seven minutes writing this blog... I NEED SOMETHING TO DO! ):
  

I want you. I crave you. I need you. I'm searching for you.
I'm longing for you. I'm yearning for you.

Change, where are you?

boom.

It's hitting me right now that I have a good thing. I may be a little down sometimes, but hey, in the end, it's all filled with good intentions. It's funny, lately, I've been so afraid because of that whole "moving in" factor. Now that I look back, I was so stupid that I can forreal just start laughing. And okay, sure I have my eye-candies here and there, but like that one quote says, "Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." It's true. What made me think that I don't have a good thang? To be honest, he never pressures me. We're always above the influence rather than all those other couples out there who smoke, drink, and party all the time. Sure, it's fun, but still. Whatthefeezy.. I don't know what I was thinking.

My head is finally back on my shoulders, and it feels good.

wise words.

"And fuck her, she was never important to you and you don't need her now."

She's right. In two cases. One, you're only important to me because you're important to my cousin. In that sense, that's the only way I see you. Two, why do I give a fuck about what you think? You've never been an acquaintance OR a friend to me. Why the hell do I care if you're calling me a slut or whore or ugly? Hah, whatever. Your hair and teeth/mouth are fucking ugly. But you are truly ugly because of your personality.

I wish I wish I wish ):

♥

m: Sorry babe, I'm falling asleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay? Have a good sleep. Goodnight!
M: Goodnight beautiful :) sorry again :/ have a nice sleep!

inspired.

GOOD DAY AGAIN!

Met up with Mix, Hamed, Bettina, Felme, and Shaneo today at Pasta Pomodoro at 11:30. Ate our lunch. Our waiter, Nathan, was so cute and funny! He made me smile a lot (: Afterward, we stood outside of Starbucks for hecka days just talking and catching up with choir and alla that. Then, Shaneo left to fix the schedules for ADV choir since the school fucked it up AGAIN. Went to Jamba Juice. Didn't get anything. Saw the cutest teacup Pomeranian. Just talked with them for a while. Saw Alyssa and Cherese there. Said our hellos and what not. Around 1:55, we started walking to Fuddruckers. They all waited inside for me to meet up with Christine and Annalisa. Once they were there, the rest of them left. And we all got our food. We ordered the same thing since there was so much on the menu that we didn't know what to get. The whole time, we were just talking about whatever. Mostly about college and what each of our colleges has to offer us. We ended up staying at Fudds till until 5ish? Then I drove home.


Definitely a great day. Like Christine said, it was like nothing changed and we all just caught up again. That's my favorite feeling ever.

more good days.

FRIDAY:
Met up with Willem at 6AM at his house. He drove us. We just talked the whole way. We went from Andrew to Lorisa back to Andrew to Ashley to Helene to Eric. What a small world, forreal. Got to honors orientation a bit early. Around 8ish. I met this girl named Sonia since she didn't know where to go. Met up with Erica. Grace was running late, but met up with us eventually. I loved the table of girls I ended up sitting with. Apparently, we were the only ones really talking to each other. I loved that! All open to each other and everything. Presentations FOR DAYS. I hated it. Afterward, played ice breakers. ALMOST won, but no. Ate food. Waited with Erica to get picked up. Stupid traffic. Willem and Joua picked me up. And forreal, they're such a cute couple. It makes me happy. Went to that sushi buffet in Davis. OMG HEAVEN <3 Drove back home. Knocked out.

SATURDAY:
Six Flags with Mark, Jervie, Nick, Denean, and Melissa. Soo much fun. I hated the water ride cause we all got SOAKED. The water jets hit me and Nick in the face -.- But forreal, that day made me realize how much Nick and I are alike. Denean had to leave early, poooo. Fell asleep during the car ride back. Started feeling sick once Mark parked at his house. Kept gagging. I felt bad cause he was supposed to go out with his co-workers, but since I was sick, he didn't wanna leave me alone. Ended up just knocking out right away.

SUNDAY:
I forgot to turn my alarm off from the previous day, so I woke up at 6 to turn it off, hmph. Went back to sleep. Mark and I woke up around 9ish? Then he went to take a shower while I was trying to figure out his laptop. Took a couple webcam pictures, kekeke. Once he was done, I took a shower while he started cooking breakfast. Supaaa yummy. Sweet french toast, bacon, vienna sausage, and eggs. Once we finished, Mark had to poop right away. Then his doorbell rang, and I looked and saw Jervie! (: He asked me where Mark was and I told him he was upstairs pooping. I offered him the last french toast slice since I was too full to finish it. He happily ate it. Mark came downstairs and then I had to leave to chill with Jay! Got to his house and he has a pet turtle! Sooo ka-yooooute. We just watched TV while updating or talking. I got to play with his turtle and it was sooo tiny. It peed on me though. -.- Honestly, its pee looked like water, HAHA! Oh well. We watched Adventure Time and I got hooked. I texted Lorisa right away and told her cause I thought of her. Left Jay's house at 4:28. Got to Mark's around 5:34. Picked up my charger and Ninang's tool kit. Home bound! Bean was super excited to see me. Found mango juice in the refrigerator <3 About to go biking tonight. EXCITED!

LAWL

HA HA HA HA HA, people are so funny nowadays.

good days

Lately, I've been having really good days. It kind of scares me because whenever things are good for me, something bad tends to happen. But then again, negative mentality attracts negative actions. Therefore, I must stay positive all the time.

So far, I have plans every day until Friday next week. Friday will be spent doing all my last minute packing and checking everything. This is making me pretty sad. However, I sometimes do wish that I applied to colleges outside of California, or even out of the country. That would have been such an amazing experience, but there's also no way my family and I could afford it. A girl can dream, right?

Tomorrow is Honors Orientation. I'm finally meeting my roommate, Erica! So far, I know for sure that I have Honors seminar with her and Grace. I also have history with Erica also. It's funny because it's our first classes of the day. History MW and Honors seminar TR. Haha, how silly. But nevertheless extremely excited!

Valentine's Day

What I'm learning as I watch Valentine's Day:

• Best friends end up together.
• True friends aren't there for you 24/7. They're there when you need them the most.
• Wait for sex.
• Never hold back what someone needs to know.
• Be kind to everyone you meet.
• Expect the unexpected.
  

failing.

Hella failed my letter a day shit on here. I'm gonna write letters to people today. Gonna be on stationary and everythaaang. Gotta go to Walmart for stationary and an air pump. But I gotta clean my room first, which btw, looks like a disaster. Haha, I don't even stay in there unless I have to cause I hate looking at the mess. Oh well. I bet I'm not gonna clean it. So, Walmart, here I come!

travie mccoy..

I'm diggin' your Lazarus album &hearts

Not Anymore.

"Well, I've been the super girlfriend
Let you think that nothing bother me.."

rant.

1. It's actually helping me a little bit. Not going on FB or Tumblr, you know. Not seeing constant reminders of something I'll never be a part of. I just have to keep myself busy all the time so I don't think about it. Uh oh, there's gonna be tomorrow. Six Flags with them. But hopefully, I could just chill with the guys and none of the girls. It's just too much now. But whatever. Mark wants me to spend the night with all of them. Still thinking if I want to do that or not. Hm..
2. I'm seeing Dirklao today and chilling with him! I'm hecka excited and happy. Nooo jokes. Time for an update on our lives. REMINDER: Give him back his yearbook from eighth grade that I was never able to write in ):
3. I got into the Honors Program! Maybe this is a good sign for me. Time to leave the past and bullshit behind me cause well, it's time for college. And college is where none of my bullshit from my dad's family or my own bullshit past will catch up with me, hopefully.

That is all.

can't do it.

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't be friends with people who are like you all. I've tried my best and anyone can agree with me. Good luck with each other. Hope your friendship really is all that worth it. Now I see your true nature. Don't lie to my face just because I don't get along with them. Be real with me because I've been real with all of you since day one. This will be the last time I get hurt. This is me moving on.

Goodbye.

BE REAL ALREADY, G'DAMN.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I used to have a volleyball scar.. Idk where it is now..

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nada.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
Naaah.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
A few.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Nope.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To finally understand.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My real friendships.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
Bean.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5"4'

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Sometimes.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Mhm..

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Mm, idk.

13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Failure.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
Idk?

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Coffee.

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Combo!

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
My pasta in the microwave that I'm too lazy to get ):

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Not a huge color fan.

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
The snack that smiles back!

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
My baby blanket.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Sure thaaang.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
I don't think so?

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Anything BUT F21, kthanks.

25. WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT <3 <3 <3

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
One spoiled brat.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
A pomeranian.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Take chances, right?

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
27.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Blah.

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"Those who mind, don't matter. Those who don't mind, matter." Something like that -_-

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
Idk.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Yessir.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Idk.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
I guesssss.

37. FIRST JOB?
Yogurt -_-

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Hated that shit.

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
Mhm <3

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Tumblr.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
No.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My eyelashes.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
Hated it.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
Too early.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My momma.

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Not driving, smoke, not disciplined, party freaak, and has no direction in life.
^ Agreed.

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
Surprisingly, the people.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Herbal Essense.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Naaaht.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Tuna.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
A few.

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Now.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU
Maybe.

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
No.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
At least look presentable.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Sleep or write.

58. BEAR FACT?
Polar bears are white.

59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
Make my momma proud of me.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Stuffed animals.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Not checking.

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
<3

63. Do you use sarcasm?
Oh, yes.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Both?

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
Communicates very well.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Too many.

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Let me fly please. Gas kills my wallet.

68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Don't have one.

69.WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
I'd like to know this myself. They're everywhere.

70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Me lalalalaalaaave green tea.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
Laptop.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Mark coming over?

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
I honestly don't know.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Idc.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
I hear the microwave beeping.

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Water.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mark.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Shoes.

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Eat.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
BITCHES :)
^ LAWL!

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
Winter <3

83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Hm..

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Here and there.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
I would like to change it. Or cut it. Or something different to it.

86. EYE COLOR?
Brown
87. SHOE SIZE?
Depends on the shoe, but usually 6 1/2

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
What am I craving?

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
A lotttt.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Laaaaahv it.

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
Not yet.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Idk.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Used to!

94. SOCKS OR BARE FEET?
Barefeet at home, socks everywhere else.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
I like both.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships, definitely.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
I paid for tip last night?

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
Can't be stuck in a house all day.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
None.... ):

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
New.

lalala.

Name:	Mia-Ashley
Date:	Monday 9th 2010f August 2010 01:30:35 AM
Colorgenics Number:	6/4/7/0/1/5/2/3/

---

At this time in your life you feel like 'giving up'. For every time you have tried to build up your hopes and dreams something has come along to burst the balloon. You may feel that, at this particular moment in your life, there seems to be no chance of fulfilling these dreams but you are so wrong. You are the sort of person that can influence any situation, that is - If you don't give up. So consciously make the effort... You have that inherent power to succeed.

You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.

You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offence. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.

All the distress and agitation is the result of attempting to avoid any form of stimulation or excitement. The situation in which you find yourself at this time is one of hostility and therefore you are under considerable pressure. You are very irritable and prone to angry outbursts. You are in a mental quandary and you could be experiencing physical problems.You are very distressed by the apparent hostility of everyone around you and you feel coerced and subjected to intolerable pressures. You are resentful of what you regard as unreasonable demands on you but the situation is such that you feel powerless to control it and at this time you just don't know 'which way to turn'.

You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax.

UGH.

I. DON'T. NEED. YOUR. FUCKING. PITY.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

KFJ;ASKDF!

Okay, forreal. I was alright for most of my day. Until we hit Alvarado Niles Rd. I get a mass text from you. WTF, who do you think you are? You know what the fuck is going on in your head, but you have the worst fucking timing in the world. Go ahead, tell him I "gave you attitude" because I don't give a fuck anymore. He's gonna protect you over me any day, and sadly, everyone knows/thinks that. I'm losing my faith in you. How can you protect me if you can't even protect me over your best friend? Fine, say that she was there first. Okay, I get it. But fuck! She slept over! How the hell is that supposed to make me feel? And you wonder why everyone thinks you two have something going on. Do you understand how iffy that looks? How shitty that makes ME feel? The fact that your mom specifically told me that we were gonna join parties. Now SHE'S planning your shit? Whatever. Don't plan on seeing me there.

"I need to have an MHM talk tonight ):"

I love how even if we don't keep in contact with each other, they still reply to me within seconds when I really need them. I really don't know what I'd do/where I'd be without them.

Letter #1

Dear DS,
As things are coming to an end, I'd just like to let you know that I miss you being my friend. To me, it seems as if the only thing you can talk about with me is you know what. To be honest, it's flattering that you've had feelings for me for this long since no one has ever had that before. But you're late. Why? Because I met him. You've had two and a half years. Two and a half years of me dangling at your will. I'm not gonna lie, I liked you a lot. Ask anyone. But you're too late. I know that I won't be able to talk to you as my friend until you find someone who you can commit yourself to. I just know that this is the right thing to do. I'm here for you if you need me, but just not like that. I have way more respect for myself and everyone it may affect. I hope you can understand. I just thought I should let you know before I leave and move on. Best of luck to you in the future!

sigh.

I don't mean to be a downer. I really don't like to be. But when it comes to things like this, it just proves my theory that I'm not good enough. Last night, I swear that I had a dream that I got an email saying that I made it in. That dream alone was able to put me through the day. I thought to myself, "Maybe just this once, I can be wrong about myself." Then, about half an hour ago, I received it, "Thank you for your interest in the Honors Program at Sacramento State. Following review of your application packet, the Honors Admission Committee has placed you on the Waiting List." Siiigh, there goes everything. It sucks when you apply around the same time span as someone you know, but they make it in and you don't. It's like a, "I'm sorry, but this person just qualifies for the spot a lot better than you do." I guess I just have to wait until August 16. Two more weeks of impatiently waiting when I'm probably gonna get the, "Thanks for your interest, but there were many people who applied and we could only accommodate a certain amount of people."

Not good enough. Never good enough.

hm.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

YESSSSS!

On August 3, 2010 at 8:00 PM, I bought my Fixie (: (: (: Finally gonna get biking! A little late, but you know what? Better late than never. This morning, I got an e-mail saying it's already on its way. I so esssited! (:

tying loosing ends.

Before I move on the 28th, I want to have closure with all the people that I feel need to have closure with me from the Bay.. Just a reminder to myself:

1. DS
2. DC
3. KP
4. MV
5. AC (HAH, I wish.)
6. KM
7. MSP

I know there's more, but those are the only people that come to mind/whose numbers I have still on my phone. I just want to leave here with nothing but good memories and positive outlooks. I'd be devastated if I wasn't able to reach out to these people.. Time to write letters, perhaps? We'll see. My goal, every day till the day I move equals one letter.

i hate you.

Guilt, get the fuck away from me. And to be honest, you're not helping at all. Not even a little bit. Thanks a lot. You're making me feel even worse now.

ON HIT.

Damn, Jeff Bernat. Your music is on hit right now. I'm diggin' this. Keep it up.
I feel a good day coming up.

fact.

To be completely and 100% honest with whoever decides to read this, I absolutely hate my body. It's probably what I'm the most insecure about. I'm not even joking. I wish I could learn to love my body, but I don't think I ever will. Sure, you all see me as "skinny", but you don't see what I see in the mirror. All of my flaws. I have stretch marks on my butt and my knees because I had a growth spurt when I was younger. The ones on my knees have been disappearing throughout the years, but my butt... They're terrible, which is why you will probably see me in swim shorts if I go swimming.

I'm so insecure with myself. I just try to hide it.

I don't know why, but that hella made my day! I don't get what it means, but whatevs! Haha.

location

I seriously wish I still lived in the Union City area because people would always drop by my house for no apparent reason. I loved it. I always felt important enough to just be visited. Now that I live in San Jose, no one visits me out of nowhere. I miss that feeling.

It was so much easier to hang out with everyone back then too. So much cheaper too since I didn't have to use up so much gas. I HATE THE ECONOMY.

holla at cho girl.

Go big or go home.
All or nothing.
Make it or break it.


It's all about making the best of any, and every, situation. I'M DREAMIN' BIG THIS TIME. And no one's gonna hold me back or stop me now.

believing.

Here I am again, believe you guys. I shouldn't expect much anymore. I hate how the one thing I ask for is the one thing you don't want to give me: a bike. That's all I'm asking for in college. I didn't ask for your car, Mom. I didn't ask Ma to give us her car just so you can give me yours. I didn't want a car in college because I already knew that it would cost too much. I mean, $250 a semester for a parking permit? You've gotta be kidding me! Besides, I get free busing. Therefore, if I had a bike, I could just bike downtown if I needed something. Honestly, this sucks. I mean, I don't wanna sound like a brat, but I just really wanted a bike. It'll help me make sure I exercise throughout the school year. (Besides going to The Well every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to exercise.) I don't know. You guys told me you'd be willing to buy it for me. Then this morning, you take it back when I ask if we can go bike shopping today. Siiiiigh, oh well. I shouldn't complain, I guess.

blind.

I'm come to realize that it will never be. I must accept the facts and understand that I will never be a part of them. Sure, we're all friends when we hang out, but the truth is, I'll never be one of the "close ones" in their eyes. All this is doing is making me believe in something that will never happen. Not now and not in the future. Reality check, Mia. You will never be good enough.

bullet...points.

• I wish I could be heard.
• I wish I could be confident.
• I wish I could help my mom financially.
• I'm not prepared for orientation tomorrow.
• It still hasn't hit me that I'm in college.
• I'm starting to question you.
• I know I can no longer trust you.
• I miss my cousins.
• What happened to the times I wasn't so lazy?
• We are both the reason why our friendship failed.
  
• I wish I had the time to just chill with people, but I live too far.
• I want a fixie, really badly.
• I want to learn how to longboard before I buy one.
• I don't need a new car.
• I must exercise.
• Mind games, fun but very dangerous.
  
• When are we hanging out?
• I really hate living so far from everyone. Family AND friends.
• Time to start packing boxes... Again.
  
• I don't belong here.
  

FUUUUU

I'm in such a good ass mood right now. I don't even know why. Hah, fuck. I love summer.

ouch...

M: Heey, so what's the plan?
J: We're trying to figure out whos driving.
M: Ohh well, um. I don't think I'll go then. I think it'll make this more difficult for you guys. We'll just plan another day..
J: Okay, next time then.

And you'll never know how much that hurt me. You basically agreed that me going would be problematic for you. So much for family..

$$$

I usually never spend money, but for some reason I've been shopping a lot lately especially this week. This week alone I've bought $250 worth of clothes and other things. To redeem myself, I've spent $50 on Felme's birthday present, $30 on Derrick Lao, and $25 on Hamed's birthday present. So there's about a bill on other people. That's not so bad right? But I've bought a jacket and three shirts for the rest of the money. Along with food, gas money, and an $8 BART ticket.

FUCK, I'm spending too much money. What's wrong with me? ): I need a job, BAD. You know what the sad part is? ... I still haven't bought my TOMS and Onitsuka Tigers.

siiigh

Getting unattached. Falling away. But there is jealousy. There's still something. Confusion. Hurt. Building walls. Prove me wrong.

bounced.

On graduation day, my dad actually showed up. Surprisingly, he even gave me a $250 check. Of course, I immediately deposited the check into my bank account. Last week, my mom texts me while I'm in SoCal to tell me that my dad's check to me has bounced. Siiigh, I hope he just has good intentions.. But really, Dad? C'mon now.. But anyway, I'm about to get ready to meet Wendy at Union Landing. But I also have to meet up with him as well to get the money. My mom talked to me seriously last night about transferring to a closer school my sophomore year of college. I've thought about it, and honestly, it's a possibility. However, I still won't be living at home. I'd like to find an apartment. The thing is, I believe I'll be going to CSUEB if anything. I want to live around UC/Fremont/Newark/Hayward, that's for sure. My mom even told me that she'd buy me a new car if I stayed here.. I don't know what to do, but I do know that freshman year, I'm gonna be working my butt of in school and a part time job. I hate moving because that's all I've really done in my life. I'd like to settle for once, you know? Ugh, I just wish I could help out my mom more with the money..

Sorry my thoughts are scattered all over this blog and that I keep changing topics. I can't think straight.

I wish our proof of hugging for the first time wasn't blurry, but I've gotta admit how much I really miss you. This was the day we both cried when you said your speech. You called me your older sister, and you have no idea how much that meant to me. I'll always remember it. This was the day you told me you love me. That alone made my bad night to something better. Thanks for always having my back no matter what. You're always able to bring a smile to my face whenever I need it most, but the thing is, you do it effortlessly. You've been in my life ever since the beginning. You know the hardships of our family because we're both in this together. We've stuck through it this long, and hopefully it will simply continue throughout our lives. We didn't talk a lot junior and senior year of high school, and that's definitely one thing I wish I could go back and change. I've missed a lot of events that have happened in your life and vice versa with mine. Now that we've graduated, I can't believe it. I'm gonna be far away from my favorite and best cousin in the world. I wish you the best of luck with everything that you do. I know you can achieve anything. Call me whenever you need a listening ear or just someone to talk to. If you need my help, just ask and I'll seriously be there in a heartbeat. I love you.

siiiiigh

Great trip to LA. I wish I didn't do what I did, but it's over now.. Can't change it. I'm glad I have him. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I made my mistake, learned my lesson, and now it's time to move on.

things/people i miss:

1. The house in Union City. It was so much easier to go out and stay out later. It was more convenient for everyone.
2. Derrick Lao. My best friend from 6th grade to freshman year. It's not that we got angry with each other; high school just gave us a hard time communicating like we used to.
3. Kaitlyn Pham. I miss the old her.. Pre.... I blame you for how she is now. She was never like this. She's damaged, but I still love her.
4. DS. I know I shouldn't, but I do. For some reason, it's just fun messing around with you. I think we both know it's just for kicks.
5. Jay Penaranda. My favorite cousin of all time. We used to be so close. We're drifting and I feel it.. I miss you before her.
   
6. The old me. I used to be so kind and selfless. What happened..
   

busy busy... and more busy.

• Tomorrow morning, I leave for Oregon at 4:30AM.
  
• That exact day, I'm gonna be shopping in Oregon = video games and clothes, hopefully.
• Sunday is gonna be the chill day. 4th of July (:
  
• Monday, leave in the morning.
• Monday night packing! (& sleep over Mark's?)
• Tuesday - Saturday = LAAAA!!!!!
  

fixies and longboards

I swear, you're gonna be the death of me. I'm having trouble finding the right ones. I've been secretly wanting you soooo bad. I hope it works out ):

wtf?

Really? I mean, I know I shouldn't be trippin, but I'd at least expect a good morning from you. Whatever. Hope you're having fun with your friends.

relationships.

It's funny how some people can become so "infatuated" or "sprung" over one person. Almost as if your world now revolves around him or her. Honestly, never let that get in the way of your other friendships, especially now since we're all about to go our separate ways for college. I don't understand how you can not reply or simply ignore your friends for your significant other, especially after everything your friends have probably done for you. If your boyfriend, girlfriend, crush, or whatever asks you to drop all your friends for him or her, then you need to rethink your relationship with this person. They should understand that sometimes, you really just need a friend. I understand that maybe your significant other is moving away to somewhere very far, but you have to remember that you are also moving away from all your other friends also. Don't forget everything they've done for you.

stupidity.

I was weak today. I can’t believe I took it to that extent. I lost my focus. I lost my mindset. I did what I knew I shouldn’t have. But is it bad that I enjoyed it? Ohhh, life..

♥

Summer is allowing me to catch up on my sleep. MY EYEBAGS ARE FINALLY DISAPPEARING, GUYS ♥ ♥ ♥

addiction.

This is getting ridiculous. I need to get you out of my system. You've gotten under my skin, into my bloodstream, and stuck in my brain. I can't help but check everything. I need to quit. This is bad for me, I know it. But I can't stop. I feel like I must always keep an eye out for you because I know you're much more diabolical than you allow others to see. But I need to get you out of my brain. You are poisonous.

Who knew a person could do all of this?

SUMMER

My summer so far has been extremely busy. Almost going out all day, every day! Here's a recap of everythaaang:

6/15: MHM day at my house. Then great mall. Spent the night at Mark's.
6/16: Visited NMHS during Mark's stat class. Oyyy vey. How frustrating. Hung out with Willem. Then hung out with everyone at Iguana's.
6/17: Half Moon Bay with the NMHS kids to celebrate their last day of school.
6/18: Senior breakfast and rehearsal. Lunch with Andrew at Taqueria. Stayed up till 12:30 making Mark's graduation poster.
6/19: Graduation! Party with Jay. Mark's grad party. Ana's birthday party. Home at 1:30, howlaaah.
6/20: Cotillion practice in the morning. Hit up New Park and Great Mall with Jan. Kaitlyn came over. Went to Kaitlyn's to borrow an outfit. Mark's house to talk. Intense crying, hyperventilating, losing balance, and continuous shaking. Camille's grad party at 10 - 3AM. Spent the night at Mark's.
6/21: Woke up at 12. Started getting ready for the BBQ. Picked up Jervie, got pizzas, WTF BBQ. Nick's burgers are fucking bomb! No condiments needed! Hung out there for a while.
6/22: Lunch with Wendy. Beehive Cafe is temporarily closed :( Broke her BJ's and pizookie cherry. Picked up Andrew, dropped Wendy off. Cotillion practice from 2-4. Andrew bough a Lotto ticket.

My summer is going full-speed ahead! Should I slow down...? NAAAAAAH!

But I do feel like I should be hanging out with as much of a variety of people as I can this summer. Only because I'll be moving in two months so I'm gonna make Summer 2010 the best one yet!

$$$

I neeeed money. Why you ask? I'd like to buy lenses. For what? My little Mochi. I doubt I'll be getting a job anytime soon since I'll be moving away to Sacramento in two months. I'd like to hope I could. I should go job hunting soon.. Well, I AM going to Great Mall today, probably. We'll see. I need to learn how to use photoshop too. Not to edit my face like everyone does nowadays, but to expand the beauty in my photography, which is very much still at amateur level. Siiigh, one day..

HAHA STUPID GIRLS!

Honestly, I understand that blogs are a place to vent and shit, but why the FUCK would you call people out on it!? HAHA, all these "fuck you's" and hate messages. Yeah, you got screwed over, everyone gets screwed over. Suck it up. I bet you just want pity.


Damn, maybe I am becoming bitter. Now I don't trust anyone.

bwahaha!

Yesterday was fun. Since grad night people left, that means no school for me! Woke up around 10. Met up with Lorisa at Jack in the Box. We both had lovely cheeseburgers! We just talked until I left to go do what I had to do ;). It only took ten minutes MAX. Anyway, tried to go surprise Mark at his school, but that kakahead left early. So Risa and I just met up at his house and looked through his yearbook. So popular, haha. He fell asleep on the couch so I told Risa her fortures! Kekeke, and he didn't even know.. We tried to make Mark dream about honey rivers and bread trees, but it didn't work. Risa picked his work outfit while I taught him how to play Sudoku. I think he's gonna get addicted soon. Went home. Ninang didn't notice my.. Had a really good talk with my mom. We talked about EVERYTHING. From college to Abitch, haha! She actually has some great advice. Thanks momma ♥

Today is consisted of:

• Eye doctor to get new glasses.
• Surprise for Mark and technically, Bean.
• Maybe pass by the AT&T store?
• Possibly try to see Willem today!
• Mochi love :)

I will be taking lots of pictures today. Hopefully they will be successful :)

death wish.

I hope that one day you realize how stupid you're acting. How fake and hypocritical you are. I'd like to know the reasoning behind all of this. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I won't. But I hope one day you'll look back at this and say, "Damn, I should have just left it alone." Because honestly, you're making a huge mistake. Good luck with keeping your fucking friendships throughout college. FUCK YOU BITCHES.

change

THURSDAY, BABY! ♥

channeling.

I know you're only acting like this because you're fighting with her. Please don't take it out on me. I know I made a mistake with orientation, but there's no need for you to get angry at me also. I just want some understanding.

fill up

My heart is filled with hurt and pain, causing me to release insecurities with no trust.

busy week.

Thursday was the Concert, Advanced, and Chamber spring concert 2010. It's very bittersweet now that it's finally over with. I don't know how to explain it. I'm happy, but really sad at the same time. Almost like a piece of me is now missing.. I don't know..

Friday was Show and Jazz Concert 2010. That was the most wonderful experience EVER. Although before call time was terrible, I'm glad I was able to still use choir as my stress reliever. It's a love/hate relationship for sure. Causes me the most grief, but the feeling afterward is so rewarding. I messed up big time at the end of In The Heights, but regardless, it was so much fun.

Saturday was awards night at the Little Theater. My last one ever.. It's crazy, I don't know how to even explain it. Siiiigh.. But anyways, afterward, it was time for me to get ready. Drove to Wendy's where I met up with Lorisa, Wendy, and Jan. Sooo stressful. Once I was done, I drove to Mark's house. Then he drove us to Camille's. We took pictures, then we were on our way to the city. The prom was not crackin' at all. I liked the white chocolate fountain and strawberries :) The free drinks were cool too. I think Mark and I didn't even dance that much, and when we did, it was our "bitch dance". HAHA! Constant stares from Tbitch and Abitch -_- FUCK YOU. Just cause I have my boyfriend and not you, keks. I hate fakes, so thanks for showing me your true colors, bitches! The new song for you is, "REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOOOD!" Here's to you: <^> After prom, the group went to Twin Peaks. Hellaaa foggy, but it was fun chillin' with everyone just laughing. Oddly enough, it was only raining on Mark's car? Wtfeezy? After, we headed to Camille's for food. Mark, Jervie, Denean, and I were the first ones to make it to her house, so we decided to watch some of Shrek, but just as I predicted, as soon as it started, they arrived. We all chilled for a little bit. Then Mark was ready to go, plus it was already 3. We dropped off Denean and Nick. Then slept at his house.

I need pictures.

FUCK THIS SHIIIIIIIIIIT! FUCK YOOU. FUCK HYPOCRITES. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. DON'T EVEN TRY. I HATE HYPOCRITES MOST OF ALL.

just a few..

My night was good with them :) MORE TO COME LATER!

repetition.

I've said this before, and I'll continue to say it until you all understand me. I know I'm not that talented in comparison to others. I know I'm not the prettiest girl out there. I know that I've made my share of mistakes. I know I've taken things for granted. I know I'm irresponsible at times. I know that sometimes, I overreact. I know that I take things too seriously often. But there's one thing I know for sure; I know that I'll never give up on you entirely.

oh gaaaaawd.

Maybe this is why I'm not friends with a lot of girls. Ayyyy yi yi.

siiigh

To do tonight:

• Physio homework.

To do before school ends:

• Karaoke night.
• Prom shit.
• Prom.
• Choir concerts.
• Finals.
• Good grades.
• A job?
• Get things cleared up.
• Some understanding.
• Kindness all day.
• Forget the hurt, pain, and sadness.
• Yearbook.
• Senior sweatshirt.
• Panoramic (Did I order one?)

You can do it..

WOOHOO!

I have a roommate for Sac :)

focus.

Why the hell am I trying to please everyone? What on Earth made me think I need their approval? I've lost sight of myself. I've become someone who needs approval. That's not who I used to be. I used to be a free-spirited person. Throughout the years, I've been molded into what others want me to be. From now on, I promise myself to remember who I really am and who I want to be. I'm done trying. Now, I'm gonna be me.

Love it or hate it, I promise it's gonna be me at my 100%.

FUCK IT!

This is the girl that cared what you thought, who wanted to always be your friend despite everything you put her through. She didn't care how much you abused her friendship, and she didn't care that you would blow her off for someone else. She was selfless. She put you in front of her own feelings. She taught herself how to hide her emotions; to always be the strong person you could turn to as proof that there are such things as super people. They give you their 100% all the time. She looks at everyone as if nothing has changed, that the friendships that were made were meant to stay that way forever. She was always trying to make everyone happy, even if that meant being unhappy herself.

This is who she is now. She's the type of girl who learned to give that "fuck it" attitude. Her eye bags getting worse and worse each and every day. She learned that she can't stay strong forever. She learned that the burdens she carries is too much for her. She learned that not all friendships last. She has become insecure. She doubts others and pushes them away, even if they're the ones who have always been looking out for her all along. She's tired of people proving her right and walking away. She stopped believing in promises. Her heart is becoming bitter with every stab it has taken. Now, she's learning to look out of herself. She's creating those barriers that only a few know how to break down.

Congratulations, you've all changed her.

kfjasd;fkjsaf

HELP ME.

progress

I'm one step closer..

i'm sorry

I really shouldn't have looked through your fs. Forreal. I'm so hurt because I didn't make him hang out with me. He told me he didn't really want to go to the bonfire with you guys because he felt like you only wanted him to go because he could provide a ride for everyone. I didn't think you'd say something like that.. Maybe that's why you don't talk to me or want to give me a chance to be a friend to you. Because you think I always ruin your plans. Oh well, otta build up these walls again..

"I absolutely HATE it when a friend's girlfriend ruins EVERYTHING!!! >:[ Like plans everyone knew about 2 weeks ago... Blah, I'm bitter. I love you, ______."

ouchhh....

the girl

I don't want to be the girl everyone thinks wants attention.
I don't want to be the girl that takes everything seriously.
I don't want to be the girl who can't control her emotions.
I don't want to be the girl no one can talk to.
I don't want to be the girl who pushes everyone away.
I don't want to be the girl that can't balance her life.
I don't want to be the girl who doesn't have a plan.
I don't want to be the girl who hurts her family.
I don't want to be the girl who completely lost herself.
And unfortunately, I've become exactly her.

welcome to my life

There are a few things in my life that I hate showing. However, my emotions are the most crucial. I honestly believe that I must be strong all the time. I must appear to happy and nothing more, nothing less. Sure there are those days when I don't have to pretend to be happy, but there are also the days I have to hide from everyone how I'm really feeling. Lately, it's getting harder and harder to hide, especially with recent events. I'm writing everything out here and now.

1) Choir. I'd have to say this is what is causing me the most stress right now. Being in three choirs was not a good idea for me, especially since I don't live close to the school at all. All these later practices are only going to pile up on me more than they already have. I love choir, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish I realized how much time would be used if I were in certain choirs. It's okay, I guess. Another problem is that I can't speak up because I know for a fact that I'm not 100% all the time either, so it would be hypocritical of me to criticize others when I'm not even doing my own part. Lately I've been feeling like I don't belong. I shouldn't be a soprano. I know for a fact that I'm letting down a lot of people because I'm not fulfilling my leadership role. I know I'm not good enough.

2) Friends. I use that term very loosely. I don't know what to expect anymore. Maybe I'm getting ready for myself to be separated from everyone next year. Maybe I'm trying to learn to be alone. I don't know, but I don't like it. I'm pushing away soo many people, especially the ones who I'm the closest to. However, it seems to me that I don't deserve them. I'm so fucked up in the head. I'm an undercover bitch. I know I am. I'm guilty of so many things. I don't deserve them. At school, I feel like an outcast. I don't have that particular group of friends I can always hit up whenever I just wanna chill. I have tons of acquaintances, sure. But yesterday made me realize how I long for those few close friends. I'm really jealous of your life, and I don't think you even know it. You are so well-liked by everyone, even people who haven't necessarily met you yet. Trust me, there are so many that look up to you. But it's okay. I just need to deal. Suck it up and just deal.

3) My mom. I'm sorry, Mom. I know I haven't been a daughter to you at all. I've left you home alone countless times throughout the late nights that I'm out. I've worried you by not answering your calls or texts when I'm out. I haven't been fully doing all my chores, just half assed everything. I promise I'm gonna start being better to you. It's the least I could do for supporting me throughout my life.

4) Mark. We're going through some really tough times right now. Constant arguments and misunderstandings. I don't even know how many times we've argued just this week alone. I don't like it. Where are the good days going? I feel like you should just leave me already because I know I'm hurting you. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm truly sorry. You deserve better than how I've been treating you. Sometimes I wonder when you're finally gonna realize all of this and just walk out. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna take the easy way out of our relationship, but I really just want what's best for you. If I'm out of the picture, then so be it. Just as long as it's for your well-being in the long run. I'm sorry.

5) College. At this point, I don't know where I'm going to college. I used to be so sure about being able to go to Sacramento State next year, but now.. Money is becoming a huge issue. I can't afford paying $800+ a month just for housing. That doesn't even include my tuition or books. I might just end up going to De Anza. Although I'd prefer to go to Sac, it's okay. I understand not being able to go. It's just not what I prefer.

I don't know, all these things are just bringing me down. I don't talk to people because I hate being such a downer and a burden to any of them. I can only express myself through this blog. I can't get myself to say this to anyone. I feel like most responses won't help me at all. No matter what they say. I know they'll tell me the truth straight up, but sometimes I don't like hearing it. I feel like I'll just annoy everyone sooner or later. I'm so lost right now, and it's not the best time at all. Kick off concert is tomorrow, college placement tests are on Saturday, competition is next week.. Oyyy vey. I need a break. I need a real break. But that's not gonna happen anytime soon at all. It's only the start of April, which is choir central for me, which means only more and more stress. I need to get out of this stump. Please help me; this is my own cry for help.