There are a few things in my life that I hate showing. However, my emotions are the most crucial. I honestly believe that I must be strong all the time. I must appear to happy and nothing more, nothing less. Sure there are those days when I don't have to pretend to be happy, but there are also the days I have to hide from everyone how I'm really feeling. Lately, it's getting harder and harder to hide, especially with recent events. I'm writing everything out here and now.
1) Choir. I'd have to say this is what is causing me the most stress right now. Being in three choirs was not a good idea for me, especially since I don't live close to the school at all. All these later practices are only going to pile up on me more than they already have. I love choir, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish I realized how much time would be used if I were in certain choirs. It's okay, I guess. Another problem is that I can't speak up because I know for a fact that I'm not 100% all the time either, so it would be hypocritical of me to criticize others when I'm not even doing my own part. Lately I've been feeling like I don't belong. I shouldn't be a soprano. I know for a fact that I'm letting down a lot of people because I'm not fulfilling my leadership role. I know I'm not good enough.
2) Friends. I use that term very loosely. I don't know what to expect anymore. Maybe I'm getting ready for myself to be separated from everyone next year. Maybe I'm trying to learn to be alone. I don't know, but I don't like it. I'm pushing away soo many people, especially the ones who I'm the closest to. However, it seems to me that I don't deserve them. I'm so fucked up in the head. I'm an undercover bitch. I know I am. I'm guilty of so many things. I don't deserve them. At school, I feel like an outcast. I don't have that particular group of friends I can always hit up whenever I just wanna chill. I have tons of acquaintances, sure. But yesterday made me realize how I long for those few close friends. I'm really jealous of your life, and I don't think you even know it. You are so well-liked by everyone, even people who haven't necessarily met you yet. Trust me, there are so many that look up to you. But it's okay. I just need to deal. Suck it up and just deal.
3) My mom. I'm sorry, Mom. I know I haven't been a daughter to you at all. I've left you home alone countless times throughout the late nights that I'm out. I've worried you by not answering your calls or texts when I'm out. I haven't been fully doing all my chores, just half assed everything. I promise I'm gonna start being better to you. It's the least I could do for supporting me throughout my life.
4) Mark. We're going through some really tough times right now. Constant arguments and misunderstandings. I don't even know how many times we've argued just this week alone. I don't like it. Where are the good days going? I feel like you should just leave me already because I know I'm hurting you. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm truly sorry. You deserve better than how I've been treating you. Sometimes I wonder when you're finally gonna realize all of this and just walk out. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna take the easy way out of our relationship, but I really just want what's best for you. If I'm out of the picture, then so be it. Just as long as it's for your well-being in the long run. I'm sorry.
5) College. At this point, I don't know where I'm going to college. I used to be so sure about being able to go to Sacramento State next year, but now.. Money is becoming a huge issue. I can't afford paying $800+ a month just for housing. That doesn't even include my tuition or books. I might just end up going to De Anza. Although I'd prefer to go to Sac, it's okay. I understand not being able to go. It's just not what I prefer.
I don't know, all these things are just bringing me down. I don't talk to people because I hate being such a downer and a burden to any of them. I can only express myself through this blog. I can't get myself to say this to anyone. I feel like most responses won't help me at all. No matter what they say. I know they'll tell me the truth straight up, but sometimes I don't like hearing it. I feel like I'll just annoy everyone sooner or later. I'm so lost right now, and it's not the best time at all. Kick off concert is tomorrow, college placement tests are on Saturday, competition is next week.. Oyyy vey. I need a break. I need a real break. But that's not gonna happen anytime soon at all. It's only the start of April, which is choir central for me, which means only more and more stress. I need to get out of this stump. Please help me; this is my own cry for help.
