i hate you.

Guilt, get the fuck away from me. And to be honest, you're not helping at all. Not even a little bit. Thanks a lot. You're making me feel even worse now.

ON HIT.

Damn, Jeff Bernat. Your music is on hit right now. I'm diggin' this. Keep it up.
I feel a good day coming up.

fact.

To be completely and 100% honest with whoever decides to read this, I absolutely hate my body. It's probably what I'm the most insecure about. I'm not even joking. I wish I could learn to love my body, but I don't think I ever will. Sure, you all see me as "skinny", but you don't see what I see in the mirror. All of my flaws. I have stretch marks on my butt and my knees because I had a growth spurt when I was younger. The ones on my knees have been disappearing throughout the years, but my butt... They're terrible, which is why you will probably see me in swim shorts if I go swimming.

I'm so insecure with myself. I just try to hide it.

I don't know why, but that hella made my day! I don't get what it means, but whatevs! Haha.

location

I seriously wish I still lived in the Union City area because people would always drop by my house for no apparent reason. I loved it. I always felt important enough to just be visited. Now that I live in San Jose, no one visits me out of nowhere. I miss that feeling.

It was so much easier to hang out with everyone back then too. So much cheaper too since I didn't have to use up so much gas. I HATE THE ECONOMY.

holla at cho girl.

Go big or go home.
All or nothing.
Make it or break it.


It's all about making the best of any, and every, situation. I'M DREAMIN' BIG THIS TIME. And no one's gonna hold me back or stop me now.

believing.

Here I am again, believe you guys. I shouldn't expect much anymore. I hate how the one thing I ask for is the one thing you don't want to give me: a bike. That's all I'm asking for in college. I didn't ask for your car, Mom. I didn't ask Ma to give us her car just so you can give me yours. I didn't want a car in college because I already knew that it would cost too much. I mean, $250 a semester for a parking permit? You've gotta be kidding me! Besides, I get free busing. Therefore, if I had a bike, I could just bike downtown if I needed something. Honestly, this sucks. I mean, I don't wanna sound like a brat, but I just really wanted a bike. It'll help me make sure I exercise throughout the school year. (Besides going to The Well every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to exercise.) I don't know. You guys told me you'd be willing to buy it for me. Then this morning, you take it back when I ask if we can go bike shopping today. Siiiiigh, oh well. I shouldn't complain, I guess.

blind.

I'm come to realize that it will never be. I must accept the facts and understand that I will never be a part of them. Sure, we're all friends when we hang out, but the truth is, I'll never be one of the "close ones" in their eyes. All this is doing is making me believe in something that will never happen. Not now and not in the future. Reality check, Mia. You will never be good enough.

bullet...points.

• I wish I could be heard.
• I wish I could be confident.
• I wish I could help my mom financially.
• I'm not prepared for orientation tomorrow.
• It still hasn't hit me that I'm in college.
• I'm starting to question you.
• I know I can no longer trust you.
• I miss my cousins.
• What happened to the times I wasn't so lazy?
• We are both the reason why our friendship failed.
  
• I wish I had the time to just chill with people, but I live too far.
• I want a fixie, really badly.
• I want to learn how to longboard before I buy one.
• I don't need a new car.
• I must exercise.
• Mind games, fun but very dangerous.
  
• When are we hanging out?
• I really hate living so far from everyone. Family AND friends.
• Time to start packing boxes... Again.
  
• I don't belong here.
  

FUUUUU

I'm in such a good ass mood right now. I don't even know why. Hah, fuck. I love summer.

ouch...

M: Heey, so what's the plan?
J: We're trying to figure out whos driving.
M: Ohh well, um. I don't think I'll go then. I think it'll make this more difficult for you guys. We'll just plan another day..
J: Okay, next time then.

And you'll never know how much that hurt me. You basically agreed that me going would be problematic for you. So much for family..

$$$

I usually never spend money, but for some reason I've been shopping a lot lately especially this week. This week alone I've bought $250 worth of clothes and other things. To redeem myself, I've spent $50 on Felme's birthday present, $30 on Derrick Lao, and $25 on Hamed's birthday present. So there's about a bill on other people. That's not so bad right? But I've bought a jacket and three shirts for the rest of the money. Along with food, gas money, and an $8 BART ticket.

FUCK, I'm spending too much money. What's wrong with me? ): I need a job, BAD. You know what the sad part is? ... I still haven't bought my TOMS and Onitsuka Tigers.

siiigh

Getting unattached. Falling away. But there is jealousy. There's still something. Confusion. Hurt. Building walls. Prove me wrong.

bounced.

On graduation day, my dad actually showed up. Surprisingly, he even gave me a $250 check. Of course, I immediately deposited the check into my bank account. Last week, my mom texts me while I'm in SoCal to tell me that my dad's check to me has bounced. Siiigh, I hope he just has good intentions.. But really, Dad? C'mon now.. But anyway, I'm about to get ready to meet Wendy at Union Landing. But I also have to meet up with him as well to get the money. My mom talked to me seriously last night about transferring to a closer school my sophomore year of college. I've thought about it, and honestly, it's a possibility. However, I still won't be living at home. I'd like to find an apartment. The thing is, I believe I'll be going to CSUEB if anything. I want to live around UC/Fremont/Newark/Hayward, that's for sure. My mom even told me that she'd buy me a new car if I stayed here.. I don't know what to do, but I do know that freshman year, I'm gonna be working my butt of in school and a part time job. I hate moving because that's all I've really done in my life. I'd like to settle for once, you know? Ugh, I just wish I could help out my mom more with the money..

Sorry my thoughts are scattered all over this blog and that I keep changing topics. I can't think straight.

I wish our proof of hugging for the first time wasn't blurry, but I've gotta admit how much I really miss you. This was the day we both cried when you said your speech. You called me your older sister, and you have no idea how much that meant to me. I'll always remember it. This was the day you told me you love me. That alone made my bad night to something better. Thanks for always having my back no matter what. You're always able to bring a smile to my face whenever I need it most, but the thing is, you do it effortlessly. You've been in my life ever since the beginning. You know the hardships of our family because we're both in this together. We've stuck through it this long, and hopefully it will simply continue throughout our lives. We didn't talk a lot junior and senior year of high school, and that's definitely one thing I wish I could go back and change. I've missed a lot of events that have happened in your life and vice versa with mine. Now that we've graduated, I can't believe it. I'm gonna be far away from my favorite and best cousin in the world. I wish you the best of luck with everything that you do. I know you can achieve anything. Call me whenever you need a listening ear or just someone to talk to. If you need my help, just ask and I'll seriously be there in a heartbeat. I love you.

siiiiigh

Great trip to LA. I wish I didn't do what I did, but it's over now.. Can't change it. I'm glad I have him. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I made my mistake, learned my lesson, and now it's time to move on.

things/people i miss:

1. The house in Union City. It was so much easier to go out and stay out later. It was more convenient for everyone.
2. Derrick Lao. My best friend from 6th grade to freshman year. It's not that we got angry with each other; high school just gave us a hard time communicating like we used to.
3. Kaitlyn Pham. I miss the old her.. Pre.... I blame you for how she is now. She was never like this. She's damaged, but I still love her.
4. DS. I know I shouldn't, but I do. For some reason, it's just fun messing around with you. I think we both know it's just for kicks.
5. Jay Penaranda. My favorite cousin of all time. We used to be so close. We're drifting and I feel it.. I miss you before her.
   
6. The old me. I used to be so kind and selfless. What happened..
   

busy busy... and more busy.

• Tomorrow morning, I leave for Oregon at 4:30AM.
  
• That exact day, I'm gonna be shopping in Oregon = video games and clothes, hopefully.
• Sunday is gonna be the chill day. 4th of July (:
  
• Monday, leave in the morning.
• Monday night packing! (& sleep over Mark's?)
• Tuesday - Saturday = LAAAA!!!!!